So, i thought it best to continue writing things down. Because it seems to help.
I’m in a limbo right now. A limbo of negative emotional response.
Ever since my girlfriend said she needed space, I’ve been freaking out. Worried that its just a matter of time before it ends. And I’m without her in my life.
The problem I have, at least right now. Is that I cant control the sudden onset of intense emotion.
To put it into context, she’s not yet split up with me, and continues to reply with love hearts and kisses (when we message – which is mainly a good morning).
The plus signs are there.
However, and this is where the negativity sets in; I worry that she’s slowly moving further away from this relationship. I know I can’t do anything about that. And that ultimately it’s her choice, and that I’d rather be with someone who wants me as much as I want them. But I know, up until last Thursday at least, that it was her that was that person…
I’m emotionally sensitive. This is something I’m acutely aware of. I shut myself off for years so I never felt any pain – especially like this.
Over the last year or so, I’ve experienced a minor self loathing feeling that made me go out and improve my confidence. Enough so that when an opportunity for a first date with my girlfriend came up, I snatched it up. I really fancied her. And then, on the night it was obvious she liked me too. We kissed. It was amazing.
Ever since then we’ve not really looked back. We’ve seemed to go from strength to strength, learning about each other. Enjoying time spento with each other. We even told each other we loved each other. Which felt fantastic to finally say out loud.
It was going so well. We’d slept together a few times, I’d even spent the night at her parents. But just as I thought it was going so very well.
She suddenly, out of nowhere says she needs time. She needs space and that she feels, after a talk with her parents, that we were in love with idea of being in love. And not actually in love. And that we should slow things down.
Considering she was the one to want to tell me she loved me first, I honestly feel a little betrayed by this.
I love this girl. For better or worse. I don’t care about how I’m feeling now. I know I’ll love her forever. It’s one of those things, when it happens to you. You know.
But how do I deal with these negative emotions? I’ve tried calming myself down. Which works kind of – but only for a few minutes. Because time drags so much these days. When things were going well time flew by. Now it feels as though all I spend my time thinking about is how much I don’t want her to leave me. How much I don’t want to lose her.
It’s scary. To think that this time next week I could be single. Heartbrokenly so.
Things could still work out. I’m hopeful they will. Truly I am.
I just need to get rid of these negative emotions that overwhelm me and make me become an emotional mess. I keep having bouts of tears and it’s so hard to fight through them.
I don’t want to cry because things arent hopeless. But I also can’t help but to think of all the things she’s said to me over the past several weeks.
And it’s hurtful to think she might leave me. When I was so sure we’d be together for a long time. Maybe that’s my down fall? Maybe that’s my own fault for falling so quickly. But I can’t help feeling how I feel.
And that upsets me even more.
I hate feeling like this. I just want to tell her I love her, and hear her say it back, again…