It seems to me that something as amazing as love should be a good thing and not come with the emotional hurricane of damage it tails behind it.
I’m kind of sitting on a precipice right now. And if I fall one way, I continue down my path to love and a future I never thought existed.
But, if I fall the other way? That’s it. A spiral staircase downwards into the abyss I try to protect myself from: heartache.
Several weeks ago I met up with an old friend. Someone who I always had a soft spot for. We messaged, realised we both likedays each other and met up. It went amazingly. Ever since then things have a been a whirlwind of positive emotion. Even love. Yes we love each other. It’s been said several times and we seem to be on the same page.
But now, several weeks in, things seem to have hit a fork in the road. She has said things are be moving to fast and that we should slow it down.
My problem is, I don’t know what that means. At all.
Does it mean no more spending time at each others houses? Less time seeing each other? Or is this the first step down a path that ultimately ends in me falling of the wrong side of that wall?
I know she still loves me, she’s told me so. But my brain likes to over think. It’s a flaw in can’t control. And being an emotional person, every time I get upset or sad, it compounds my thoughts. I’m naive, yeah. I thought this was too good to be true, and whilst I hope it is true, I worry. Worry that this will all go away and I’ll be left without the person I’ve grown to love so very much.
I don’t know what to do. My brain is working in overdrive going over and over and over it all again.
And to compound the self loathing for being so forward – I’ve royaly messed up.
In my over eagerness to send a response, combined with my penchant for overthinking, I sent several replies to the ‘slow down message’. A rookie mistake. I should have left it at one. And waited for her to wake and respond. But instead I sent far too many. I’ve stopped now, and instead of trying to explain and explain and double back on previous pousts, ive come here to vent.
I’m so scared that I’ve taken what might have been a regular, easy fork in the road, and basically stabbed myself in my own heart.
I’m worried I’ve overreacted and rather than simply acknowledging her fears and genuinely valid point, and offering an alternative, I’ve allowed my thought process to leak into the messages sent.
It’s early in the morning and she’ll probably not get the messages for another couple hours, and the waiting is killing me.
But I can’t get over his impending doom like feeling. Every time I get close to someone i seem to mess it up onearly way or another.
I’m hoping she’ll find my messages endearing and continue to understand I horribly overthink. But I still worry she’ll look at the amount of messages (7) and call it off completely.
I know I messed up badly. But now I have to live with it, because I cannot take any of them back.
I’m scared. Really scared. That the day before Xmas is going to be a terrible day. And it’s killing me inside.
I just want to know if she’s had enough. Or if she’s just wanting to slow it down but still loves me.
The not knowing is horrible. But not knowing how to handle this emotional situation is worse.
I have to go and put in 8hrs at work now. 8hrs of total torture that are going to drag so much.
Hopefully it’ll end well. But if it doesn’t. At least it’s been amazing whilst it lasted. I truly never knew I could love anyone like this. I don’t think I’ll love anyone else like this again either. Whether I wanted to or not!