Knowing heartache

So. This morning was the start of the most heart wrenching day I’ve ever had. 

It started with my girlfriend (at least this morning) telling me we needed to slow things down. Which is kind of understandable. Kind of.

Up until yesterday we were on the same page with everything. But at some point this week something changed and spun her out. She is adamant it’s nothing I’ve done. But to be fair I cannot think of anything I’ve done that was not reciprocated by her. 

So, that spun me out.

I spent my entire 8hrs shift at work trying to keep my emotions in check, but failing to do so fully. My fear of her ending things (I genuinely thought that’s where this was heading – and still might be) threw a wrench in those works, and our sporadic messaging did nothing to calm those nagging fears.

So I got upset. And once I got upsethe,  I stayed upset. At first I could hold onto the tears…

But eventually those fears broke me down. One of the managers stopped me and asked if I was OK. To which I choped out a yes. Obviously she did not believe me. But after trying to get out ofo what was up she realised I didn’t want to full on cry at work and let me be. 

I thank her for that! 

I did break down in private. Several times. All of which resulted in tears. Floods of them. It hurts so much.

As I finished work, I received a message saying she couldn’t pin point the exact moment it went bumpy for her. Just that her head is a bit all over the place, she’s tired out and needs some space…

I accepted that – it’s not fair of me to push her if she’s not sure – but it still hurts worse than anything I’ve ever felt. 

I’m truly scared she’ll walk away from all of this, which would prove she’s not the right one, but it hurts, to fear such an end to something I’ve poured so much of myself into. 

I’m not naive to sit here and blindly tell you that our love would have lasted a millenia. But I know that I love her. Truly I do. A mere 6 months ago I would have laughed if anyone told me I’d be in love by Christmas. Id have Scoffed at them as I left the room. 

Now, I just want it to go back to how it was a week ago. Where heaven was not just an imaginary place. But an actual feeling. 

I’m so terribly afraid of her ending things, but ill tell you this for free:

I’ve told her that my feelings are known to me. That I am sure of them, more than I’ve been sure about anything in my life.. and that no matter how long she needs I’ll still be here, feeling those feelings as if they were fresh. 

I hope she decides to come back into this relationship… because I know my love is real, and I’d hate to lose it so soon. 

I know I’ll only get upset again if I think about it too much, so I need to stay positive. Give her the space she needs and hopefully, if things are meant to be, they’ll be.

Wish me luck. Or at least hope for me. I’m going to try and switch my brain off a bit. See if I can misdirect my self. 


2 thoughts on “Knowing heartache

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