OK. So things are serious between me and (E) now.
And it’s amazing. The best feeling ever.
But I feel sick inside. Not because I don’t like her. Hell, I’m mad about her.
But that niggling feeling of the hammer dropping is really prominent today. We had an amazing night and she’s not a single bit different with me.
But these nerves? The ones telling me it’s all about to end are tearing me up. I don’t things to end. I never want them to. But I can shut these overwhelming nerves off.
I don’t know how. I suppose this emotional thunderstorm comes hand in hand with a combined heart on your sleeve and over thinking personality.
And it sucks.
I want to be stronger and have confidence in myself and that her feelings are true. (The latter I don’t seem to have a problem with, yet the former I struggle with).
She mentioned, off-handedly, that she might just “be like fuck it, and go travelling” as she’s had a tough time at uni.
I’d support her decision. But even if it was a joke, it’s put me on edge. I don’t want her to turn away from this.
But I know I cant make her stay if she has to go.
The horrible truth, and it’s horrible, is that she’s only joking and my insecurities and fear of her changing her mind are just sacking up that comment and using it to rain chaos in my mind.
It’s something I need to work on. But where do I go from here?
How do I reign in the chaos and recreate the balance of the past few days?
Oh how I hate my brain 😦