You give me Ladybirds…

So, last time we spoke I mentioned my insecurities trying to plague my every thought of (E). This time I want to talk about how I feel knowing there’s someone out there who likes me the same way I like them… I know, exciting, right?!

My biggest fear in life was growing old and being alone.

That fear has morphed a little in recent months. From being alone forever to these feelings being redundant. I’ve never felt this way about someone before. I know people always say that about their next partner, but I do mean it.

I’ve not got a long list of ex’s, nor do I have a long string of lovers.

I’ve had relationships, a long time ago, but they’ve always felt different. Like there was a script. Like it was almost forced, and that they had to conform.

But things with (E) feel different. When we’re together things are not forced in the slightest, and it’s paved the way for something I’ve never experienced before. Ladybirds. Thinking about her gives me ladybirds. In-joke – apparently, my phone’s emoji library doesn’t have butterflies – what?

I can’t describe this feeling, or how it feels different very well. Other than it feels so much more concentrated than anything I’ve ever felt before. From the minute I laid eyes on her, that glorious Saturday night, I think something inside me just clicked into place. Like a puzzle piece I never knew I had. And it’s a surreal feeling.

I’m a bit jumbled right now because I am still a bit raw after the talk we just had. I’ve always been a little closed off, and now I find myself laid bare for (E). She makes me want to open myself up. To let her in. And after the past year or so, that’s a scary thought.

I’m scared about my feelings. I’m scared about her changing her mind. But the latter is slowly going away, because she’s scared I’ll change my mind. We’re not just on the same page of the same book. It’s like we’re on the same page of every book we’ve ever read. It is, for lack of better word, magical.

I’m going to stop here for tonight, because I fear I might ramble if I continue. I need to just enjoy these feelings and deal with this bubbling-over of emotion a little more.

I’ll be back very soon. Because I’ll need to finish this post as well as talk about Sunday, our next (4th) date.


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