Being insecure sucks.
No matter where you are in life, they always seem to creep their way in.
Take today for example.
I’m sitting there, a little down because I got back to work tomorrow, and it’s almost as if that slight downwards approach to my day has left a gaping door open for all the insecurities to waltz right on in.
I’m not a jealous person, it’s not my nature, so I don’t ever worry about things like that. What I am insecure about, is me. I worry that I’m not good enough, or that there’s something wrong with me.
There’s been nothing to signal these insecurities in any aspect of my life. Nothing at all.
But the young lady I’m seeing is beautiful, funny, smart, cute, comforting, and possibly the best person I’ve ever met. She likes me too, which is an unusual situation for me to be in.
Yet as I sit here, my mind wonders how long it is until the hammer drops.
Let me put that last comment in context…
I’ve not had a relationship for over 10 years. That’s a very long time. I had my heart broken one too many times and simply could not face it happening again. So, I shut myself off.
By doing so, I thought I was shutting the demons of insecurity out too. I was in fact, incubating them. A truth I’ve come to realise over time. The past 10 years I’ve gone through life happy with no intimacy. Keeping my distance, both physically and emotionally. And, whilst I never felt ecstatically happy being that way, I never felt terribly low. And that was always good enough.
I’ve met a girl and that has literally turned my brain inside out. She’s all the things I’ve already mentioned above and more. It was a romance out of nowhere and I’m going with it, because somewhere in my heart and head, a voice echoed “Go for it. She’s special.” And she is so incredibly special.
So, with a little new found confidence, I did exactly that. I went for it. I met with her, and the most amazing thing happened. That first date, the one I wrote about a couple weekends ago, was simply amazing. I felt nervous, but instead of quitting and retreating, I powered through the nerves because I know she’s worth it.
We’ve been out on 3 dates. Each one substantially better than the last. And it’s clear from what she’s said to me and how she is with me that she’s right there alongside me, feelings-wise.
And even though I know that, why can’t I shake that niggling little insecurity issue? I really-like her, she likes me, she makes me happy, and I’ve got a constant grin just thinking about her.
And still, I can feel the insecurities tugging away at my trousers, waiting for me to fall and swallow me whole. It’s sometimes bearable to put up with them, I can shut them away for a time. But they always return, especially on days like this, and ravage my confidence. I worry about little things. I start to double think myself, should I have said ‘X’ why didn’t I say ‘Y’. It’s painful and, sometimes, it’s crippling. I need to kick this downward feeling, but when it’s the dread of going back to work, what else can I do?
I try to focus on things I can busy myself with (my blog(s) for example), but the inspiration well is dry, for now. The vicious truth is, that whilst I’m not doing something to take my mind off of the nagging issues, they eat away at me. I want them gone. I want to enjoy a life where my confidence is a little better and I don’t overthink every little detail in my life.
I admit, being an overthinker can have its advantages. Especially in my work/academic life. But the disadvantages for the personal aspects of my life far outweigh them right now.
As I write this, I do feel better. I have a big old smile back on my face, courtesy of (E) and I have remembered how I used to be at work. I remember how I use to worry about things even after I clocked out. I remember those times because I can now shut work out when I leave for the day. I’m suddenly filled with hope. Hope, in the sense that if I can overcome the crushing weight that came with me overthinking about work, that I can overcome the same thing in my personal life.
I leave this post feeling a few pounds lighter, and almost burden free. But I also leave it with some form of hope. Hope because the feelings I have right now, about (E), are real and hers are too. If I focus on the positives in my life right now (especially considering my past) and less on the potential negatives, I think I could make it through.
I think I’ll settle for that right now. And just try to take it as it comes. But there are days when this spills into my thoughts about (E) and it’s not fair. Because she’s been nothing short of perfect thus far. I think I’m a little scared of things ending suddenly, as they have done before – I’m far too cynical for my own good!
Thank you for the talk, everyone. It’s been helpful 🙂