Post #43: I hate feelings…

Like a high-pressure weather front, my feelings are all over the place. I feel like I’m in the giant crystal at the end of the crystal maze and instead of hundreds of gold/silver tickets floating about frantically, it’s my feelings.


 

It’s weird how some days I feel so up and happy, yet other days I feel tired and then self-doubt settles in for the long haul.

I’m not going to say that feeling is bad, although right now it certainly isn’t nice, but I am going to say that I wish I could control them a lot better.

I write this as tears are welling up in my eyes, I’m not entirely sure why. But tiredness always brings me crashing down.

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The truth of reality is that I should be over the moon at having some meaningful conversation with the Italian photographer. It was nice. But instead of the joy and happiness, feelings I did initially feel, I am left with an empty feeling of real truth: nothing will ever happen. It’s not news and I never thought anything would – but the reality of the matter is that no matter how much I tell myself how to feel, or what I should feel, it will never be a nice thing to face.

I can’t remember the last time I spoke to a girl I liked and found that she liked me back. That fact that I cannot remember that scares me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking for anything from anyone right now. It’s just sometimes I sit here and think. And think. And think. And think.

Feelings of confusion:

Do I like that person? Or am I just really happy that they’re talking to me? Or smiling. Or not screaming ‘leave me alone’ at me.

my head vs my heart

I don’t know how to talk to girls even if I wanted to. I’m scared of looking like a pathetic looser, and in true irony I worry that’s exactly what I’m becoming!

I’m off to London on Tuesday, a trip I’ve looked forward to for months. I know I’ll have fun, and maybe it’s well and truly needed. I know my last proper holiday (Prague, 2008) really helped. I

My point in this post is this:

I’m all over the place. Emotionally. And I don’t know how to rectify it. Even when I manage a front for people at work, inside I feel like my chest is caving inwards.

I simply don’t know how to handle this overwhelming abundance of feelings.

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