Post 42: Quiet Reflection

I’ve had a little time to think…


The other night I had a rant. It went on for a while and regardless of how I sounded – it did its job; I felt so much better after posting it.

A form of therapy if you will.

Well today new information came to light that both eased my mind, and yet strangely annoyed me even more. The actual events were portrayed to me in an exaggerated way. No surprise.

That said, more was passed on via a person I used to feel quite close to. That hurts – that she can act so normal and not let on a thing. Even when I dropped an obvious hint this afternoon. No reaction. That hurts a little.

This person is easily led with emotions and thoughts about others. Not by me, but by her friends. This means if they say something about me, then all she’ll think about is those words. It makes things very difficult, feelings about her aside (there aren’t really any other than friends), it becomes very difficult because the more they make comments about how much we talk to more she pulls back from me. There’s nothing I can do other than keep being there as a friend – I know that; it just makes things harder because I never know whether someone has said something to her or if she’s just in a general bad mood.

I would just find new friends, but the truth is I find it hard to make friends because I find it hard to trust. It’s not a sob story it’s just a sad truth.

no trust

Before you can trust someone you have to get to know them, and the best way to do that is to talk to them. That would be fine, but I find it hard to speak to people without worrying what everyone around me is thinking. It’s a really difficult thing to get past, and even though I know when it happens – it’s just impossible to switch off. Sometimes I can fall into my words and block things out, enjoying a conversation, but when I come out of it my mind acts as if it was merely on pause.

It sounds silly but its more developed than simply worrying about what other people think. Deep down I worry about what the person I spoke to thinks when those people stare or if anyone says anything.

It’s a self-confidence issue doubled up with a lack of self-esteem. I know that. I just don’t know how to get out of that rut.

Maybe one day I’ll have the confidence to just go and speak to someone without worrying about what over people think. Maybe I’ll meet a group of people that I can trust fully. That last bit would be nice.

Until then I’ll keep trying to speak to people, stop taking things so personally and of course: try not to worry about what other people think.


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