Post #41: For Sale –  One battered soul

So I’ve not posted on here for a while.

I’ve been doing well, getting on with things and not really caring about much else other than my trip to London 9 (only 4 weeks away). For the most part it’s been a rather good method of feeling up beat. Something to look forward to really does take the edge off.

I’ve been saving well too. I’m not far off actually having the amount I wanted before I go.

But that’s where the good times end. I’ve been treading water for a while now at my work; not because I’m bad at my job, in fact I’m rather good at it, but in terms of how I actually feel working there.

Before it was just about how I was treated as an employee and the people were nice, at least nice enough to make it bearable.

Things these past few weeks have gotten gradually worse, with things coming to light about certain people that I never even thought possible. Naively.

The latest straw, the one that ultimately broke the camel’s back, was a little bit of bitchy talk on a recent night out. I’ll discuss the recent comment that I was told about, via a third party (so I do take the comments with a pinch of salt).

Recently my department manager held a night out for the plethora of people to have left recently (at least 4 I think – surprisingly I was not one of them) and I did not attend. Not out of some petty squabble or hatred of those leaving but simply because the place they chose to attend was a place I no longer frequent (a combination of bad customer service and a family member contracting food poisoning upon their last visit will ward you away) and because I’m still saving for my trip to London.

I was asked by several people if I was attending or more precisely why I was not attending. My answer explained the above, and was met with a chorus of ‘fair enough’ and ‘that makes sense’ etc.

So I went about my usual business getting on with my life and working myself into the ground.

It was only today that someone at work told me that he felt he should let me know that a few people said some unsavoury things about me, but it was ok as it was in a joking manner. He said it was just a little bit of a joke at first but then they said something that made him step in and not only defend me but move the conversation on.

From what I gather it was to do with them questioning the fact as to whether I’ve ever been with someone. Not that it’s any of their business.

Now what annoys me and, ultimately, deeply upsets me is not what they said, but that they felt the need to say something at all. I mean I’m not the most outgoing person. In fact, I’m so self-conscious and lack confidence in such a way that I hardly ever speak to new people. Let-a-lone females. It’s just something I find really hard to do.

So no, I don’t have a girlfriend right now. No I’ve not had a girlfriend in a very long time; but that does not mean I’ve lived like a hermit for all those years.

I used to be a confident and outgoing guy; before my heart was treated like a doormat and left in tatters. Ever since then I’ve been rather guarded and never really gained back that same level of confidence.

Anyway the guy that told me about the comments then made a comment that really got to me:

“but we do need to get you a girlfriend, you do need one”

I was so angry I had to hold back tears for the remaining half hour of my shift and just went straight home. I really don’t get people anymore.

I’m quite content to currently live my life without a girlfriend. I’m not one for forcing things, if I meet someone I connect with and she feels the same: great, fantastic. But until that happens? I’m not one for messing around, sleeping around and bragging about it. It’s not big and it’s not clever and all it ever does is cause more hassle. It’s not what I need in my life right now.

I’m not saying I don’t want to meet someone, because of course that would be great, but for people to come up to me and assume they know how I should live my life, well that’s just offensive and extremely rude.

And to make comments about someone behind their back? That’s even lower. I’d never say something about someone that I wouldn’t be happy to say to their face. And whilst I’m not naïve enough to think people will never talk behind your back, I’d like to think being as nice as I am would buy some good will with people.

I’m not going to change who I am to suit those I work with, nor am I going to change how I am around people. I am who I am and people can take that or leave it. I have friends that are important to me, and if you want to be part of that group you need to prove it. Otherwise I have no time for you.

But I will leave you with this: Just think twice about what you say about someone. They may find out about it, and it will most certainly hurt them. Have some heart and general decency. Because people an be fragile and your words will cut deeper than any knife.

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