Post #36: A Stark Realisation

I’ve come to a realisation, at least where my feelings for other people are concerned.

I know if I let these walls down I get myself into all sorts of trouble. I fall apart and second guess every single thing I do or word I say. It’s a confidence issue sure, but a lot of it is simply in my head.

I honestly don’t know which is harder to combat, but I feel that I’m ready to try and take on the latter.

There is a girl, a different girl, that has kind of caught my eye. I know nothing about her other than her name. She seems a little closer to my age, at least from what I’ve gathered – which might not be very accurate I admit – but I don’t know for sure either way.

She’s pretty, petit and definitely my type, in regards to looks at least. I find it difficult to just go and speak to any girl, but I’ve tried hard to push negative thoughts to the side and try my hardest to say something, or at least smile. I feel I’ve done pretty well so far, but we’re not yet on speaking terms.

So I will just keep trying to get her attention and a smile here and a ‘hi’ there will just have to be enough for now.

am i good enough

But more importantly I’m making myself try to talk to her, or at least approach her. Normally I’d simply admire her from a distance and not really bother. But where would that get me? Nowhere. That’s where. I’d be stuck here feeling sorry for myself and probably feel like a loser for not saying anything.

So here’s what I’ll do: Make every effort to say hi. If she’s about and we cross paths, ask her how she’s doing. Try to spark up a conversation. She might already have a partner, but then how will I know? I don’t need to ask her out, or try to rush things, which I may have been guilty of recently. All I need to do is be someone she wants to say hi to and maybe speak too. Anything more than that, well I’ll cross that bridge should I ever find it.

I suppose my real issue, at least that I’m now aware of, is my constant worry that unless I let her now I like her, she’ll assume I don’t and someone else will come along and I’ll lose out on any chance I may or may not have had. See? Negative thoughts right there.

I now know I need to not think about that and try to start things of naturally and test the water. With any luck this might decrease the severity of any emotional pain that might be wrought from a rejection. Being a bit more cautious might allow me to find out my chances before I get so involved that my only way out is total emotional destruction.

I want to be more confident and feel better in myself, and yes I want to meet someone. I want to feel confident in myself, and enjoy my life a little more.

self doubt

Regardless of what happens with this new person, I’ll hopefully gain a friend. That’s a positive if I ever saw one.

Further to that, and completely aside from the above topic, I’ve started saving for a projected trip to London next April. I’ll be 29 by then and to celebrate my progress into adulthood I wanted to do something a little different. I’m about 1/3 of the way to my savings target and hopefully by the time I want to go, I’ll have exceeded that target and be able to treat myself a little more!

I’ll share details of what I plan to do another time but for now, I’m feeling good and I’m waking up in a pretty happy, and healthy frame of mind. That’s progress on recent months if you ask me!

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