Post #35: Realisation & Potential Apathy

There’s something that’s been bothering me recently and that’s my choices in girls.

I’ve noticed a trend over the years of always liking the type of girls that would never like me. This one is difficult to explain and is a bit of a weird statement to make but it’s also kind of true.

The last time I liked someone who liked me back was during my final year of university. I called that one off for distance reasons. I don’t regret it but it’s a little daunting to think that it was over 4 years ago that happened.

Since then it’s been a long list of no hopers, no interest, or just apathy on my part.

I have this wall built up around my heart and yes I’m scared of getting hurt. It’s constantly happening, over and over again, and now I’m truly scared of rejection and the emotional pain that brings. As some of my earlier posts might hint towards.

love opposite
This is what scares me the most…

The truth of the matter is that until the recent scenario I’d been sealed up like an old Egyptian tomb. I struggled to keep it together once the seals popped open and I fell hard. When the rejection hit it hit real hard. And was pretty harsh to deal with. It hurt a lot. But the worst bit was that I know it was all my own fault. Or at least it feels that way. I know my heart tends to run away with its self when it can.

That’s why I try to keep it sealed away. To protect it, and me, from itself. When I gave into my hearts wants and needs it weakened the walls and my heart broke through – running for its life.

I came to my senses, chased my heart, and then caught my heart. I settled myself, worked through the initial pain and heartache until I was strong enough to build those walls back up.

I need to get back on track and try to gain some confidence in myself back. It’s a slow process but one I feel I’m steadily making progress with. When I feel ready I may try and test the water a little. But until then I think I’ll just stay a little reserved* and try to deal with any situations accordingly should they arise.

*As if I have a choice here!

But this doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings or anyone. Quite the contrary.

It’ll most likely be someone in passing, a flash of light-brown hair that catches the sun just right. Or a splash of green in a dark eyed girls’ iris. Or even the new girl working a couple of departments away. There will always be someone about that I’ll never quite have the confidence to say something too.

I think I just have to try and not be too bothered by any feelings or attractions I have and try to be a little apathetic. I want to meet someone but I don’t want it to be forced. I want it to be natural. I don’t think I’m asking for much but I think realistically that’s something a little out of reach for me right now.

As tragic as that sounds I like my writing. I like my science fiction and I’ll use the spare time to try and write some of my novel. Constructive is productive!


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