You heard me! She’s a downright liar-liar pants on fire!
I’m sick of feeling like this; feeling so terribly angry at myself for not reigning these stupid feelings in and instead acting like some kind of awkward fool.
I had a good week last week, I spoke to her on Friday for the first time in a long time – the first time in a long time where she didn’t ignore me – and I thought I coped well. I felt good afterwards for handling it rather well.
Today I feel like the biggest moron ever. I had a pretty average day – I’m shattered so I feel as though I’m probably taking this much worse than I should (see yesterday’s post for why) – but on my way out, completely out of the blue, I walked around a corner and there she was walking straight past me with her friends. She looked right at me we made brief eye-contact and in that split second I crumbled. My heart skipped, I panicked and looked away almost the moment I realised we had seen each other…
Too make it worse I ended up having to use the self-service till right next to her and her mates. I tried to pretend like I’d not seen her, there’s no way I was confident enough to try and talk to her in front of her friends. So instead, like a stupid idiot, I ignored her and walked out. On the way out I put my headphones in, looked around naturally and just walked by them as if I’d not seen her.
I feel like i was the worst, most stupid person that ever lived. Not only to I feel angry at myself for not handling it a lot better (I tanked – I won’t lie to myself) I also have the conscience eating guilt of ignoring her.
I know that she probably didn’t, doesn’t, care and that it’s probably worse because of how I tend to over-think things. But the fact is I feel horrible.
I’m angry at myself because I thought I had those sorts of feelings under wraps, buried and hidden. I obviously thought wrong. Because my nerves pretty much leaped out of my mouth.
The thing is, and this is the killer, I’ve always been like this. That little buzz of excitement you get when you see them? I’ve felt that all my life with one girl or another. And I’ve all ended up with is this emotional train-wreck of a heart that doesn’t know whether it’s coming or going.
I’ve sat here and cried a little whilst writing this. It was needed. I’m not saying this for sympathy – I don’t need nor do I want sympathy. I want to understand how to change the way I feel…
I don’t want to feel this way about her anymore. I know that happy endings don’t happen because there would never be a single person ever again. They’d meet someone and that would be it. Some pseudo-drama would occur and then some uber-romantic event would occur and they’d fall truly in love and live happily ever after…
So I want to be free of any feelings for this super-attractive person and go back to my indifferent approach with all girls. I didn’t like anyone and didn’t care. Depressing maybe, painless – certainly.
So why is Taylor Swift a liar?
Basically every Taylor Swift song/video would happen and everyone would win. Well no. Sorry Taylor but that’s not how it happens. At least not for most people. Most people don’t live next door to the love of their life and by the end of the school year find out they love them back. Most people don’t get their Romeo & Juliet love. And most people don’t get to walk about a forest looking at picture perfect scenes of them and their loved ones.
However I have to say she does have several good ideas about what people have to put up with:
She does portray the feeling of an unrequited love by crying onto her guitar and even a heartbreak from a past relationship in Wildest Dreams and even Blank Space hints at a love so wrong it drives her quite literally insane.
Yeah Taylor Swift is a liar, but she understands that and by sharing songs like Wildest dreams with a video like that; well let’s just say she redeems herself a lot.
I’ll leave with this thought: How do we stop feeling something that, arguably, we are hard-wired to feel?!