So I’ll start with the main cause of this post: I’ve had a pretty bad day.
Unusually for a bad day I can pin point exactly where it all went wrong: I got out of bed.
No that’s not an overly dramatic thing to say. I genuinely got out of bed and walked into a bad day! I slept through my alarms and woke up 3 minutes before I usually leave the house. Oops #1.
I naturally rushed to get ready showering and dressing and gunning it for the next bus. In doing so I forgot breakfast. Oops #2.
I got the bus, tried to chill with some music but it all sounded a bit depressing and boring today. The sky was over cast and there wasn’t much of interest on either the BBC sport website or WordPress’ freshly pressed page. So nothing interesting to engage my brain!
10-15 minutes later I’m off the bus and making the 5-10 minute walk to my work. Nothing of any interest happened. Oh actually there was a rather nice Christmas decoration of a giant reindeer where they usually sell cars (an improvement). It was a large wire frame reindeer with huge, colourful baubles suspended throughout its interior. Happy Note! – I’ll try and get a picture tomorrow morning!
It was the slightest of good notes on this otherwise dull and disinteresting day.
Then I got to work. As with most people not having the job of their dreams, it was the same old routine I do day in, day out. So nothing great there. But it had become more bearable recently and so I buried my head in an attempt to try and get through the day quicker. Oops #3.
I was angry today too. That’s unusual, not uncommon, just unusual.
I don’t deal with confrontation well, I get angry but I have a high restraint level. I never hit out regardless of the situation and very rarely bite or lash out verbally. I pride myself on this. I’m the sort of person that will spend the time crying out the anger instead of using abuse. Yay me. I think this is a harder thing to do and it is emotionally draining but anger is a horrible feeling and I’ve always been brought up with the ideals that causing other people harm, be it physically or verbally (or mentally) is bad. I’m not a bad person by nature – so I try to not cause harm wherever I can! – I feel I might suck in a post-apocalyptic end of the world scenario – Sad face.
Anger is a powerful emotion and for me, it made a poor start to the day an ongoing pit of self-torture.
I mainly felt anger towards a friend – to this moment I still don’t know why – and even though I felt riled by the anger, I knew it was unjustified, and that was a bit of a horrible circle of torture!
Sitting here, watching ‘Lie to me’ (a TV show Tim Roth is excellent in – unsurprisingly), I realise that tiredness is destroying my days. As I previously said I’ve slept well for the past couple of weeks (dating back to my week off) and for it all of a sudden to come to an end and for me to feel like I did back before then, well it quite frankly sucked.
But all is not lost because there is always a silver lining and mine is the reliable cheer factory that is ‘K’. A quick chat on the way out of work is a little thing, sure, but just chatting about mindless and/or inconsequential stuff is refreshing!
Regressing back to that period before I felt good also helped me realise that the feelings I had, whilst warranted, were exacerbated by the tiredness. The depression, whilst natural in a rejection situation, is always a sad time; being tired and angry over silly little things, yet only having your mind going over those particular things can make it seem a lot worse than it is.
In summary: Regression occurred, regression was pinpointed. Epiphany occurred, balance was restored. Happiness, albeit stunted by tiredness, is here and hopefully it will stay!