I think I had a breakthrough today. In regards to my constant whirlwind of emotions…
Well I’ve had a great 10 days off work, followed by my first, not as great, week (4 days) back. It was only 4 days but they started pretty poorly and whilst it got a bit better, it also got stressful!
I’ve been chilled and got a lot of my chest – I think I finally got my boss on the same page as me about being taken for granted, which seemed to make things more bearable – and I felt like things with ‘K’ and other friends were in a good place. Basically I felt good and happy!
Another thing to note is that, for the first time in several weeks, I’m sleeping well! Before I kept waking up every 2-3 hours and couldn’t get comfortable enough to sleep solidly. However starting on my week off, and carrying over to this week – at least thus far, I’ve slept for most of the night. This has probably led to my significantly better mood this week.
Aside from the blip earlier in the week with that girl I’ve been in a good place.
I didn’t have to deal with any awkward encounters with her yesterday but today it was awkward as she was there for most of my shift. And in full indifference. It was difficult at first, and I don’t know whether the headache I got and the stress of running around on a busy day helped push it out of my mind, but eventually I got into the mind-set of a simple yet very effective ideal: Who Cares?
I like her, a lot. She’s beautiful. But the fact is I don’t know what she’s like as a person and quite simply the idea of getting to her know her was obviously clouding my judgement. She obviously isn’t as nice a person as I thought if she was able to ignore me so easily. So I thought something that I feel is a little bit of a breakthrough: Why do I care so much about someone who obviously couldn’t give a second thought about me or my feelings?
The answer was a little eye-opening: I don’t know. The lack of an answer made me realise how silly I’ve been. I know it won’t change how I feel over night, but I do believe it’s a big hurdle out of the way. The walls are back up, at least in regards to how I see and talk to other people. I need to heal a bit – I don’t want to fall for something when this emotionally unbalanced!
As today continued I felt better and better about the whole thing (it probably helped she wasn’t there at this point) and eventually I got to the stage of feeling a little indifferent myself. Time will tell how I cope, especially over the next couple of weeks but for the first time in a long time it’s looking up! Which, personally at least, is a huge achievement!
Also ‘K’s’ Christmas present came the other day (well at least the joke half did) and I’ve not been able to keep a straight face looking at it yet.
So to summarise: This week has been a mixed bag of emotions; from happiness and feeling content, to emotionally unstable and overflowing with anxiety, and everything in between… but when push comes to shove I’ve made it over one of the biggest hurdles in getting over this good-for-nothing dame.
Onwards and upwards I say!!!