Post #28: Duality and Cause

I felt two types of almost overwhelming emotions today.

One of which, the latter of the two – chronologically, was a joyous wonderful realisation of peace and clarity.

The other, the former of the two, was pure uncontrollable anxiousness and an uncomfortable nervousness.

I’ll discuss them both in chronological order…

Emotion #1

Uncontrollable angst and nervousness


This is an obvious feeling – many people feel it every single day. But this feeling, specifically, was felt in a rather particular way. Let me explain the scenario and then how it felt – that should better help you understand my issue with it…

The girl I’ve had feelings for is ignoring me. After telling me she wasn’t interested and just wanted to be friends. I agreed and was happy with this outcome – I’d made peace with the rejection. However being ignored since, I think, is breaking my heart over and over again. At best it cripples me with a sense of overriding nervousness.

I was at work, my first day back from my 10 days off, and stressfully working by myself during a rather rushed moment. I was serving and had an unpleasant-yet-polite exchange with a customer, and who should walk up to the counter with her friend? Yup her. Not one word to say hi, I looked up twice (when my nerves let me) and was not acknowledged once. I get it – awkwardness is not nice, especially as she was with a friend. Anger was not the feeling that shot to the surface.

What actually happened was something more severe; it started in my gut – a nervous feeling, almost anxiety. Like uncomfortable butterflies – the opposite of the kind you get when you see someone you really like. Which was a little strange considering the person!

It built and built until it almost hurt to feel it. It subsided about 10-15 minutes after she went but the entire time she was within eyesight I had to keep my head down and focus on trying to supress this nervousness. I didn’t have time for it, nor did I need to deal with it.

Like I said, the feelings eventually subsided and I got on with the day. But the rise in nervousness and anxiety was troubling and is now something I know I’m going to have to deal with in the near future. Oh Joy!

Emotion #2

Realisation of Peace & Clarity


I left work. There’s the peace and clarity. End of segment.

I’m joking of course!

As I left work the sun had already began to set, colouring the sky a stunning pink and aqua. And all of the colours in between.

There was some medium cloud cover and that just seemed to make the sky a little more beautiful – not being able to see the colour behind the clouds; it was almost as if the clouds acted as some sort of mysterious veil.

I stared up at that pastel-painted sky and everything just went. I felt the latent anxiety and nervousness dissipate and almost flow straight out of me. Any anger from other issues vanished as well. I felt truly silent. Everything went. Everything.

I’ve not had that sense of clarity and peace for a very, very long time. It felt good. So good in fact that the next time I get some time away from everything I’m going to go somewhere quiet. Somewhere I can watch the sun set and just enjoy the colours and, weather and time permitting, listen to the crashing of the winter tidal waves.

Calming oneself is exactly the sort of process that can help us feel great when we don’t know how to feel anything other than the opposite.

This is some free advice: When you feel down, or anxious, or nervous, or angry, or anything else you find uncomfortable to feel; go somewhere you can quiet your mind, and just relax. Take in the sights, the sounds and your surroundings and just let it all flow out of you.


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