Post #20: Taking the bull by the horns

Today was stressful, not as much so as yesterday but there was still enough latent stress that I’d not relieved from yesterday carrying over to make today a nightmare.

It started off well enough, I got up ok, had a shower – woke up. Got the bus in time and even enjoyed a little bit of Taylor Swift whilst reading ‘Romance’ & ‘The Valley of Unrest’ by Edgar Allan Poe.

I even finished the middle stanza of my poem, although it all needs a lot more work, it was only when I started work that the stress piled. Like a game of Jenga, only favoured towards me losing as quickly as possible.

Some stupid alarm was going off, loudly too, and gave me a headache as no one could work the off switch. Great Start. Then came the usual mess of opening up…

Without going into too much detail, for obvious reasons, it was not great. So I got stressed as I had to get it all open properly. On my own. So I tried to push that stress to one side and carry on with my job. There were still things to do and 8hrs to do them in. Work. Work. Work. So I pile in, and to try and counter the stress I bury myself in work. Keep busy – leave no time to dwell or stress.

stress

Then what I was dreading happens: She’s in today.

Well here’s the thing: I want to say hi, send a smile her way etc. But after yesterdays shun, I decided to go down a different route: Take the hint and leave well enough alone. So I did. I kept my distance, didn’t look her way, made no attempts to say hi whatsoever. I felt terrible for doing it, but it was better than being that stressed and shunned again, only this time in front of a lot more people, people less friendly than ‘K’.

So I kept my distance. Buried myself in the freezer, fridges, prep-rooms and washed up. She didn’t come to say anything to me, and from what I could tell she didn’t seem too bothered. So I just got on with my day. Stress building and building. Until about 3 O’clock. That’s when it turned from stress into sadness. I looked up, and saw her from a distance, I thought she saw me too, so I looked away maybe a little too quickly. That pang of guilt right then was too much. She probably couldn’t care less about me and probably didn’t even notice it. But that doesn’t really impact on how my conscience behaves does it?!

Anyway I finished an hour later and went home. As quickly as I possibly could. I needed out of that place. Too much going on. The bus journey home felt quicker for some reason, maybe because I had Taylor swift going, and was busy writing an a message. To her.

I was weak, I caved into my conscience and wrote out a message for her. I want this awkwardness to end. I don’t want to be ignored anymore. I want, one way or another, to have this all end. I’d prefer to draw a line under it all and just be friends. But I know that by sending this message she could just tell me where to go. I have to trust that she’s a better person than that and will want to also draw a line under it all.

So whilst I run the risk of making things worse, at least I’d know where I stood. There would be less awkwardness because we’d both know one way or another.

I promised myself once that I’d never think twice about a work placed interest, for this exact reason too! I cocked up there didn’t I?!

I need someone like this in my life!
I need someone like this in my life!

I have 3 days off work now, 3 whole days to write and play video games and go walking (weather permitting). I need to regain my calm. I’m going to scratch the online course I enrolled on, purely because it’s an added stress I could do without right now. I’ll look into doing something similar in the New Year. Until then I think I may have kick the job hunt into high gear on my week off!

Roll on a good night’s sleep (hopefully)…

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