So yesterday was awful. Emotionally.
I was off the pace from the get go because I could not get to sleep properly all night. I kept worrying about being ignored. It sounds stupid but I can’t help it, and the worst bit is once I do eventually nod-off it’s only for a couple of hours before I wake up and go through it all again.
So I’m at work and straight away a piece of machinery breaks. Not the end of the world but it means juggling another ball when I have trouble juggling the few I already am.
So I plough forward any way, no sense on dwelling, it is what it is. So I get going and things are going ok. Right up until I’m left on my own. The job I do can be done by one person, but when there are 5 or 6 people for a 3 person department (it’s Saturday so its busy = more staff) then it’s fair enough to expect a little help to ease the juggling I’m having to do. Slowly stress starts to build up. I get through 4 hours and then to top off my stressful day the girl of the moment starts work. Now I’m juggling, stressing and have the added distraction of a beautiful girl. Mere metres away (her department is pretty much in front of mine – potentially awkward).
So all that aside why did my day end up being awful? 2 reasons.
- I snapped at someone.
I’ve always prided myself on having a very long fuse, temper wise, and today I got to the end of it. I snapped at a colleague and it was wrong. I felt so bad about it too. I was just so angry I didn’t even think I just raised my voice to shut her up going on at me. It was wrong.
About 15-20 minutes later I’d calmed down, tapped her on the shoulder and apologised for snapping, to which she replied “oh, well I didn’t think you’d snapped” – she was obviously just being nice about it, but either way it was wrong and I apologised to her. I felt a little better about the incident and decided to spend some time away from the front. I went and had my break and then proceeded to carry out the work that needed to be done in the warehouse. I calmed myself.
I eventually had to go back around the front but I was chilled and therefore it was better!
- I almost got blanked by the girl.
Arguably the most painful thing on the day. I went to go and do some work out back and chose that moment to say hi. She’d not come to say hi to me so I thought I’d make the move. I walked past the area she worked and caught her eye mid-walk. Waved and smiled at her. I expected a nice smile back but all I got was a really forced half smile – the sort of smile you fake when you’ve made eye contact by mistake.
That hurt. It annoyed me but only because I thought I’d get the smile I wanted. Idiot. Obviously she finds things awkward a well. Really don’t know what to do about that.
Then on the way out, when I finished work, I bumped into her and said goodbye. It was merely a ‘see you later’ and I couldn’t bring myself to make eye contact. She said the same back, most likely out of reaction. My heart sank again. Well it sank deeper into whatever it’s currently sinking in.
I sent a message to say I hope she was doing ok! – Haven’t spoken since she said about being friends so thought it might be ok – lack of a reply says otherwise mind you! – I won’t be messaging her again from now on, unless she speaks to me first.
I’m trying so hard to be normal and friendly but it’s difficult because I never know how she’s going to take it. I worry that she feels awkward because she knows I liked her? Even though *I thought* we’d cleared the air and everything would just be ok. Maybe that was naïve of me? Still I have my poetry and secrecy. I’ll carry on saying “I’m ok!” regardless of how I really feel. This isn’t a fairy tale or Hollywood movie. Persistence won’t win fair maiden’s heart – but it will win me a one way ticket to stalkersville! So silence, and distance, it is! – I’ll let her come to me when/if she feels comfortable to be friends…
It doesn’t help me when I just want a smile or a hug. But I suppose I have to make peace with the fact that they are both something that will never come to pass.
To save my eternal soul, and help deflect my feelings a little better, I set Yvonne Strahovski (the girl in the picture) as my phone wallpaper. So no matter what comes through on my phone, be it good or bad news (about anything and everything), I’ll see her beautiful face every time… Good enough for now I suppose!
On the plus side, I am now going to try and enjoy 3 days off. No girl, no work, just me and my collection of movies and my blog writing. With luck that should keep me busy and take my mind off things. Although I’m back on social media now and the temptations have not gotten any easier! I might restrict myself to brief checks and just allow my phone to tell me when something is going on.
Final Verdict: I’ve decided I don’t like social media and I don’t like being ignored. But unfortunately the way life works these days, social media is a necessary evil! As for being ignored: I suppose no matter how much it hurts I need to take the hint and leave well enough alone. All these feelings gone to waste. Wish those builders would hurry up and fix those walls…