I envy psychopaths. Not the evil ones. But the good ones. The ones who are normal in every way except they know how to shut of emotion at certain times.
I’m not evil by nature so I’d like to assume that I’d be a nice one.
Anyway back to the point. I currently hate emotions.
They’re currently screwing me over and they’re so hard to control, it’s mind-breaking.
I thought I’d be OK seeing that girl today. I’d prepared myself the best way I knew how: isolation from her and hoped my feelings would subside. I was doing well all of today but then as I leave she starts. I see her and my nerves leap. I sit it back down and tell them to calm down. You need to calm down you idiot.
I went over to my friend and tried to talk about something else to take my mind of her and how I shouldn’t feel like this. It begins to work but of course she’s in the background now so here and there I catch a glimpse of her in my peripheral vision. With every sighting my nerves try to jump up in the air and shout. I tied them down after the first attempt to try and stop them. It didn’t work very well because they still pounded my now bruised and beaten chest.
She’s right in the next aisle. I finish talking to my friend ‘K’ and try to go and speak to her, say hi, asked how she is, you know; friendly stuff. My throat is so dry it hurts, and water can’t stop it. It’s like there is a sun burning away in my mouth. Any water I try and drink instantly turns to vapour and ceases to do its job.
I say hi. And to try and break the ice I ask her the same question I’ve asked everyone else all day – “what super hero ability would you go for?” (I’m making a tally for another post).
She looks at me puzzled but answered the question but eventually answers with ‘ooh has to be flying! Definitely flying!”
I smile and try to joke but in my nervousness I drop the pastry I was about to buy for my dinner. Well done Dan, you look like a nervous goof. What a fail. So much for my mind supporting me on this endeavour!
So I ask her how she is; as I stand back up from gathering my shattered self-confidence (shame as that was about all I had left) off the floor. She replies with a yes, and with a cute smile. My heart sank a little as she asked me how I was and I lied: “Yeah I’ve been good thanks!” – I said that with as big of a smile as I could muster. We then exchanged a couple more pleasantries before I left and she went back to work.
I managed to hold it together, albeit sacrificing any self-confidence I had left in the process. I even lied through my teeth so she didn’t think I was weird by admitting to being a little nervous still. I could say it over and over again, but it won’t dampen the pain I feel.
As I walk away I’m fine. As I wall out of the building and just as I think I’m safe, it hits me. Like a brick wall. Emotions.
I wasn’t even thinking straight, but my eyes watered up regardless. It built and built but I didn’t shed a tear. I’m not scared of crying. I’d happily just let the emotion out in a massive cry-a-thon. But for some reason they didn’t drop. They just welled up in the pits of my eyes. I feel the pain of not being liked back and the pain of seeing her, denying my actual feelings for an easier life and just being plain stupid by letting my heart run away with things.
People joke about thinking people are good looking and a couple of my friends did about me. It doesn’t make me feel good when I feel like this because all I think about is how the one person I wanted to be attracted to me doesn’t and to me that’s all that matters right now. Like an idiot I dwell on that.
I thought I’d cope better than this but not seeing her the entire week just seemed to concentrate the reaction of seeing her. Shit.
Now I have to deal with seeing her for the most part of my 8hr shift tomorrow. How the hell am I supposed to feel about that?! Other than like a fool, of course.
I hate emotions. [Sad face]