Post #10: I’ve still not cried…

Let me be clear: I know this was not a serious thing. I know there are people out there that have things hundreds of times worse than me. But thinking about that doesn’t stunt the pain I feel about it all.

I’m an emotional person, yet I don’t cry a lot. when I feel I feel hard. No middle ground.

But I’m not upset because she doesn’t like me, so much as I’m upset that I let myself get so ahead of myself. Enough to end up this hurt. Like I said in my original few posts: I genuinely thought i stood a chance with her and had let down my walls enough to attempt to ask her out. Before that happens she tells me she just want’s to be friends… The worst phrase any guy want’s to hear. 

So having geared myself up, emotionally, for asking her out and thinking i stood a genuine chance; for her to say that to me made me feel so damn stupid.

Like coming through those walls I spent so long building was simply a waste of time. That’s what has me so upset and emotional. Sure it hurts seeing this girl and thinking about her, but every time I see or think about her it reminds me how stupid I am.

Trying to figure out what to do next and how to handle things with her is literally breaking my mind. I just want to take her out, hold her hand and kiss her. But instead I’m standing in front of her telling her how well i’m doing – when in reality i’m falling to pieces like a shattered mirror, still held together loosely by the foil.

I simply don’t know what to do, The temptation to go on social media to check for a message or even message her myself is insatiable. But all that would probably achieve is more pain.

I just wish I could turn these emotions off. That’s all I want right now. Or cry, and let out all those tears – that would be nice I think…

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