Post #6: Recalling past memories…

I’ve been meddling with something dangerous: The past. Don’t worry i’m no time traveller!

I’ve been reminiscing about older times, trying to figure out what I did wrong this time, seeing if i can find anything to help me cope with this heartbreak. Turns out I shouldn’t have! All i did was dredge up the one true regret I had when I was younger. The relationship, as short lived as it was, was the result of the only date i’ve ever been on. It was also a perfect date. As in it’s all you could want from a date. I can’t really explain so just read below and you’ll understand…

There are all sorts of people in this world; whether you’re sensitive and insecure or confident and unwavering. Unfortunately you’re sometimes the one you don’t want to be. Fortunately you’re not always alone, no matter how alone you actually feel.

I feel a little shame, but only from my own inhibitions, in admitting that I am a sensitive person. I’m insecure about myself, to the extent that I cannot see anyone liking me. If a girl smiles at me I always assume there’s someone behind me they’re smiling at. And that’s even when I know I’m the only person in the room.

perfect love modified

I fall for people really easily if I open my heart up and get hurt just as easily when they’re not interested. I know sometimes it’s because I get ahead of myself, but it’s hard to contain myself when I all I want is to find someone to be with. A date, a day out, a relationship. It’s not much to ask is it?

Well apparently it is.

I’m struggling with things at the moment, although that is not what I’ll be discussing below, and apart from the 1 person I can talk to, there are things I’ve never said to anyone. This post is the first account of these things…

I used to be pretty darn confident. Asking a girl to a party, giving her my number, and eventually asking her out. I was 19 when I had my first girlfriend. 19. Not because I didn’t want to be with anyone but because that was the first time someone like me back.

That didn’t last for long. I know I didn’t do anything wrong, but it ended all the same. I wanted to get over it but at the same time I wanted her back. She was the first person I truly had proper feelings for. And I’m not just saying that. It was an immature love and I know that now. But at the time it felt like my world was ending. NEWS FLASH! – Life went on. And, after 2 years of on/off mixed signals from the girl in question and me being stupid enough to take the bait every time, I was finally over her. It felt good, really good. And it wasn’t long before I met someone else and made myself take it a lot slower and easier. Her name was Harriett (it’s ok we’re no longer in contact and it was a long time ago).

We had our first date at Bluewater. We didn’t do much, just spent the day walking around, talking, laughing etc. We came around the corner to see Crispy Crème donuts. She told me how good they were and when I said I’d never tried them she looked mortified. With a cute little smile she grabbed my hand and gently pulled me with her “I’ll buy you your first one” she said. And to her word she was true. As she was the driver, we went and sat in her car. She started the engine. But stopped it almost immediately.

There's nothing more romantic than a girl taking my hand and leading me to somewhere i've never been before... Photo courtesy of Murad Osman...
There’s nothing more romantic than a girl taking my hand and leading me to somewhere i’ve never been before… Photo courtesy of Murad Osman…

“What’s wrong?” I said sorrowfully, thinking I’d done something wrong.

“Well there’s something I want to do but am too scared to ask” she said as she avoided eye-contact.

“What? We can go back and do it before we go, it’s not too late” I really didn’t want the date that was so perfect, to end on such a downer.

“Ok, but we don’t have to go anywhere. I, I just really want to kiss you!” – She laughed as she said this and I blushed more than I ever have before. Taking her hand I pulled her close and we kissed. My first proper date, my first proper date! – Damn this girl was awesome!

A couple of weeks, and a missed meal with her parents later we split up. I was gutted but I’d massively cocked up and she’d decided that she just wasn’t that into things. Which sucked because she was just so amazing. Live. Love. Learn.

It may not have lasted long, but that one kiss was worth it all...
It may not have lasted long, but that one kiss was worth it all…

And I did. Things were not meant to be. I’m a strong believer that if something doesn’t work out for you, then it was never meant to. That’s not to be confused with giving up. I’ll do anything I can to convince the girl that she should, at the very least, give me a chance!

So there is my first post. My first two girlfriends and the things I remember them for. I want to write down things on this blog that I just cannot talk to anyone about.

That’s a lie; I have one person in my life right now that I feel I could say anything to and not be judged. And she’s the closest thing to a best friend I’ve had in a very long time. Her name, for the sake of anonymity at least, is K., and she doesn’t know I’m writing this blog. I just hope she knows how appreciative I am of her helping me when I need it.

Anyway I can’t rely on her for everyone of my problems. That’s just not fair. That’s one of the main reasons for starting and continuing this blog: To help me deal with stuff. It’s helping, kind of.


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