So it’s been a few days now since my heart, running away with itself, was gunned down by truth and inevitability and it still hurts. A lot.
I’ve tried doing what I can to take my mind of it all; going for walks, watching all the football I could find, burying myself in writing, Netflix and Xbox!
None of it works. At least not long term. And it sucks. I don’t want go feel like this anymore. There’s a slight pain in my chest, it started up Saturday night. And every now and then I feel it when I think about her, or how stupid I am. It feels like a hole. I know it sounds dramatic and clichéd. But I don’t know how else to describe it.
I went for a walk Monday night. Tried to clear my head. But there was a cloud laden night sky and I couldn’t see anything. Turns out my escape had betrayed me. So I tried to think of other things as I walked about, listened to traffic, the odd train shuddering past, and the slight echo from the oncoming tide from the local beach.
All these things turned out to be as traitorous as the night sky…
I couldn’t keep my mind straight, I got upset with myself and had a tear in my eye on at least 2 occasions. I know I need to pull myself together. Hell I’d settle for just moving on and shutting those feelings off.
But I can’t do that at my leisure, at least not right now!
So I’m at a loss as to how to progress with things. I like her. She doesn’t like me. But she’s gorgeous and I can’t just turn those feelings off like they were some tripped fuse… Again. I just feel like a fool.
I suppose I’ll have to keep working at trying to keep my mind busy and hope for the best.
Although the worst feeling is the one I’ve had constantly since she said no… I’m still waiting for a message from her. One that takes back what she said and wants that date. Or just messages me and wants to talk to me. But it never comes through. I know it won’t and that makes it even harder – Which sucks by the way! Such a fool.
Anyway my rant is almost complete. All there is left for me to say is that drastic times = drastic measures.
The problem with social media is that people you’re friends with (or not) are only a few keyboard clicks away from you. There’s no natural distance. Used to be if you wanted to distance yourself from someone you could just walk away for a week or two, not speak to them etc. Well now it’s harder because they’re always, just, there.
Whether it’s Facebook chat telling you they’re online now, or were 2hrs ago etc., there’s no distance. Like I said; I’ve found myself sitting there waiting for a message saying how she made a mistake and wants to take it back. I know it’s not coming, but I hope, every time my phone goes off that it’s her wanting to talk. It’s doing my head in. And stopping me from trying to deal with it all – whether I want to or not.
So I’ve decided to do something I’ve never done before… I’ll log out of Facebook, twitter, Instagram etc. And not log back in until Sunday night. A bit of breathing space. I’ll see her at work but not until Friday/Saturday. I should be able to handle that by then. If not, well shit, I’ll just have to try my best!
I’ve not decided if I’ll take a week of this blog yet. It depends on how I feel I suppose. I have my music, the novel “The Martian” and plenty of bus journeys between now and then.
So here goes nothing: Social Media hiatus.