Post#2: The pain of a shattered heart…

Shortly after putting up post #1, I got a message from the girl in question. She destroyed all hope I’d managed to build, and inadvertently all confidence I’d managed to gather to ask her out.

She simply stated that although I was a lovely boy, the age gap between us (10 years) was too much, something she could not see past. And that we should just be friends.

2 things:

  1. She was so polite and nice, there’s nothing I can fault. And she wants to be friends.
  2. No matter how much of me saw it coming, it still hurts so badly. It felt like a freight train just hit my heart at full speed. Almost as if I actually felt it hit me in the chest.

The fact is I liked her a little. Enough for me to allow myself to lower my guard, drop those walls I’d built up as if I had hoped something could happen. It’s my own fault for getting to ahead of myself. I know that. But I couldn’t help it, I was all psyched up to ask her out the day after – for a coffee or something, just a little ‘get-to-know-you’ thing. I genuinely thought she’d say yes to that.

Idiot.

And that’s the real gut punch: I thought she liked me, at least enough for a date! I feel so stupid for tricking myself into believing that whole-heartedly! And it hurts so much.

I messaged her back asking if there was a chance I could persuade her otherwise, and she declined, stating that as she said she just couldn’t get over it. My heart truly sank. If the titanic was a living, breathing creature, I think I now know how it must have felt going down.

This is painful to write, I have a tear in my eye, fighting back the flood I know wants to come out. But I don’t want to break down and cry. I just don’t know if I’d stop. Plus I just don’t see what that would accomplish?!

tears
What will my tears actually accomplish?

That aside, I spoke to her at work the next day, just briefly away from people and simply said:

No hard feelings? I want to be friends. To which she replied “Me too.”

“Friends it is then!” I offered her my hand in a friendly manner and she laughed, taking my hand and we shook. “We’re probably on the same page now then, we’re cool right?” I asked her, “yeah we’re good” she smiled. I died a little inside at that moment.

I lied to her. I didn’t want to be friends. I wanted to be more than friends. But if I can’t be part of her life in that way, I’ll take a friendship. No sense in losing that as well!

The only problem I have is this: Her. I have to see her everyday at work. And she works opposite me in the ailses right in my eyesight. It’s difficult. I feel so stupid…

So in come the builders, not to put my heart back together but to start re-building those walls I tore down. If I’m to feel like this about her and never tell her, I will need strength. And a lot of it.

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