Why do I find it so hard?
I never thought myself to be naïve by any stretch of the imagination. I’ve loved and had my heart broken several times, and I know that it is inevitable that my heart will be broken so many times more until it is fixed by that one special person.
But that doesn’t mean I have to like the pain of heartache right? I mean who would?!
I’ve had walls up to protect my heart and my emotions for a long time. We’re talking in years here. And the only time I’ll let them down is if I think that it’s worth jumping in and going for broke. Granted that was a poor choice of words – but the idiom fits.
Now quite a while back a girl started at my work and she is pretty. Seriously pretty. And she’s cute with it too. She doesn’t walk around like she’s high on herself and seems like a genuinely nice person. You can see what comes next right?
Well I mentioned to my friend, the one true friend I know I have, that I kind of liked her. My friend was not surprised. She agreed that she was gorgeous and thought she’d be my type. As she works on the same department I asked her put in a good word for me and she did.
The girl was not horrified to learn of my interest in fact she laughed it off and thought I was sweet. Which could go either way in my mind. But I thought I’d at least try to test the waters? Well a few light hearted but slightly [flirty?] messages later and I stupidly allowed my walls to come down a little, to try and gain the courage to ask her out sometime. There are two big things here: 1) there’s a big enough age gap to bother her, and 2) I’m now not sure if she even ever liked me more than simply thinking I was sweet to think she looked pretty…
Here’s my dilemma: Things are never simple. I want to ask her for a coffee, but I don’t want her to reject me. I don’t want to feel like an idiot. But I know I like her, and it hurts to think she might not like me back. It’s something I need to deal with sooner or later, and the sooner the better. But as I’ve said a thousand times it’s always the not knowing that hurts the most.
My friend, the only true friend I think I have right now, has put up with my constant over-thinking, and has constantly helped me by understanding and calming me, talking through things with me. And for that I’m forever grateful.
But my ongoing problem is this: I can’t help how my brain works. I’m sensitive to emotional issues and it’s not working well for me right now! It’s hard to put in words but trying to overcome these feelings for this girl seems like an insurmountable task and I really don’t know what to do.
I’d written a poem to try and be a little romantic when I gave her my number. I thought by being a little different [when I told her she was cute when she smiled] would be something she’d like. Before handing over the note with the poem on it, I asked the advice of my friend and she said that the girl I’m interested in would probably not see it in quite the way I would hope. Seeing as I was so overly nervous about giving her this note whilst at work, I backed out. I might share the poem another time, although, it’s not that great and the more I read it the worse it sounded in my head. But the thought was there, right?.
I simply do not know what to think and want to ask her out. But just do not know when or how to do it!
I suppose it is something I’ll have to gather the courage to face and just do it. And should the worst situation occur (a rather flat NO) then I can bring the walls back up and try to shut it out.
Either way it will be an emotional confrontation, one during which I need to not show a thing for fear of looking like a complete fool. Why can’t it just be a little simpler? Boy meets girl, girl falls for boy. Queue fade out…